From left, Jack Black, Danielle Brooks and Jason Momoa star in “Minecraft.” (Warner Bros. Pictures)
By Connor Willis
“A Minecraft Movie” is not a movie. It’s a pop culture event — a gathering of little Billys screaming “CHICKEN JOCKEY!” at full volume while hurling popcorn across the theater. You might go see it with friends, laugh at the memes, and have a “good” time. But there’s one kicker: The movie sucks.
Jack Black shouts “ENDER PEARL!” while Jason Momoa plays a man-child. There’s an orb, a villain, and a silly dance to distract the bad guy. The plot is basically a checklist. The people who made this movie clearly didn’t play Minecraft — or didn’t care. It treats the game like branded merchandise: Look, a chicken! Build a tater tot blaster! Meanwhile, the real spirit of the game — survival, creativity, quiet anxiety — is nowhere to be found.
Directed by Jared Hess (“Napoleon Dynamite”), you’d expect quirk or vision. Instead, you get a movie that feels like it was printed by a marketing algorithm. There are villagers that look like meat puppets. The landscapes feel like green-screen purgatory. The whole thing feels like an “SNL” parody of itself.
But here’s the strange part: It’s become a cultural event. Over $816 million. Memes. Fandom jokes. People love having something to gather around, even if it’s bad. Maybe especially if it’s bad. There’s a strange joy in shared disappointment.
There are brief flashes: a touching nod to Technoblade, a few fun Jack Black moments. But they’re crumbs. This movie wants to be “The LEGO Movie” or “Barbie,” but has none of their heart or ideas. It doesn’t subvert anything. It doesn’t explore anything. It doesn’t even care.
And that’s what stings. Minecraft is a game about potential. You dig, you build, you make your own story. The movie doesn’t trust that. It just sells what’s easy. It’s brightly colored, instantly forgettable. It’s corporate cotton candy: fun for a second, hollow forever.
Rating: 3/10.
